Un-selfishness advice, please

I'm probably an average husband, but some glaring faults are coming more and more to light as time goes by. The most blatant is that I typically think only of myself. Here's an example, don't get lost in the weeds, follow the principle of it not the specifics:

Christmas morning my wife put out stockings for the family - the three kids and the two of us -getting us all things we would like -and I, meanwhile, didnt spend an instant thinking about how her Christmas morning would go. Didn't set anything out, didn't get her anything out of the ordinary, none of that. And that's typical for me. I just spend so much time and energy thinking about making sure my own needs are met that I don't bother with other people who I love. 
 

SO obviously there's some deep seated things that I need to address like with a counselor, I get that, but my question is for in the here and now with some top-down practices, PART 1: How do you guys keep up with taking care of your loved ones? Especially those of you for whom it doesn't come naturally? Like how do you remember to celebrate them well, that sort of thing. And how do you decide what to do/get for them? 
 

And, PART 2: we have some kids' birthdays coming up, any recommendations of how to celebrate her for having birthed these babies?

Well congrats, because self-realization is the biggest step to take.  My first advice would be to, ver batim, tell your wife exactly the above, followed by an 'I want to be better, I'm sorry, and I hope you can help keep me accountable'.  An open stream of communication with your partner is critically important to self-growth in a marriage, IMHO. 

be honest, be vulnerable, and be willing to accept feedback and criticism.  You're already well on your way. 

golfduke said:

Well congrats, becasue self-realization is the biggest step to take.  My first advice would be to, ver batim, tell your wife exactly the above, followed by an 'I want to be better, I'm sorry, and I hope you can help keep me accountable'.  An open stream of communication with your partner is critically importan to self-growth in a marriage, IMHO. 

 

be honest, be vulnerable, and be willing to accept feedback and criticism.  You're already well on your way. 

 

This is absolutely stellar input, IMO.  I couldn't agree more.

What is your wife's "love language"?  My wife is words of affirmation and acts of kindness.  She couldn't care less about presents I buy her, but simply doing small things for her and telling her that I love and appreciate her does wonders.  Key in on those important triggers for her and do whatever you have to in order to make it part of your daily routine.  Set a reminder in your phone if you have to.

Once you really get started it'll quickly become second nature and just part of who you are and what you do.  Good on you for recognizing it and taking steps.  I'm faaaarrr from perfect at it, but I try hard.

As for the kids b-days, I'd bet even a simple thank you card with your own words expressing how appreciative you are for her giving you such a wonderful family will go a long way.

Golfduke knocked it out of the park on the first post.   I'll second the congrats on self reflection! 

Empathy is like any other skill.   Which is good and bad :)    The good is that anyone can do it well, it just takes practice!   The bad is that anyone can do it well, but it takes practice!   

Perhaps a journal would be a good a "log" to keep track of what you're doing for those you love?  You need to purposefully look for those opportunities to make their life better and make sure they know they're appreciated.  The bad, like any other skill, is that you'll probably be awkward and intentional looking about it at first the same as if you were learning juggling or dancing.   That's okay.   It's the action that's important here and luckily you already had the chat Golfduke mentioned so you'll both be prepared to laugh about it.   Eventually it will come more "naturally" to you because you've practiced it.   

Remember to be nice to yourself as well, especially as you're learning this new skill.  You won't always get it right, but remind yourself even when you're angry that you missed an opportunity or flubbed something, the old you wouldn't have even have recognized that was a problem!  Just recognizing missed opportunities is growth!

To expand on your part 1/part 2 sections... my therapist once told me that marriages are like Kindergarten grade report cards- It's the intention and not really the actual action.  Sure, you'll probably write a bunch of letters backwards and confuse your 9s and 6s, and you can't stay in the lines really well... but the effort is whats noticed and important.  

Whatever you think of doing, the most important part is that you're trying regardless.  It doesn't need to be a grand gesture- it just has to be authentic and well-intentioned.  

Again, just talk with your wife.  Be brutally honest and vulnerable.  She'll see that, and that's more important than any gift/trip/act of love you can ever buy... And then, as others mentioned, just keep at it.  Don't stop trying.  Someday, a switch in your brain will flip, and you'll realize how much better it is to dote on others than it is to be selfishly wanting for yourself, and you'll laugh at how it used to feel so foreign.  You're on the right track, just keep talking and being honest. 

Before I get too much credit for having come to this realization, the really ugly part is that we've had this discussion like 5x in the past year or so. And I keep having good intentions but haven't figured out how to put the rubber to the road. So thanks already for the good advice coming my way, please keep it coming!

What's coming next? Her birthday? Anniversary? Make it a fun day, involve the kids too.  

One anniversary I did 14 days of gifts with a little note. Sure, one might be a $3 box of chocolate or a small travel tin of hand lotion but she got excited after a few days.  Then on our anniversary - a dozen roses.  
 

In reply to P3PPY :

I am in to hear responses on your post as well. I am honestly in the same exact position. This is a discussion my wife and I have had many times. After every conversation we have I am motivated to be more intentional. Few weeks go by and I'm back to my old ways. I love my wife to death, she's truly an amazing woman. I truly want to be an amazing husband for her. Between work and kids I get distracted and stop putting in the effort to show my appreciation. 

In reply to P3PPY :

I am in to hear responses on your post as well. I am honestly in the same exact position. This is a discussion my wife and I have had many times. After every conversation we have I am motivated to be more intentional. Few weeks go by and I'm back to my old ways. I love my wife to death, she's truly an amazing woman. I truly want to be an amazing husband for her. Between work and kids I get distracted and stop putting in the effort to show my appreciation. 

As for the kids, (not sure on ages) but DO something with them, not just buy a gift. Go to a park, go to an aquarium, do art together, make something. That seems more special than just a toy.

I struggle with similar.  Just getting into a rut. Used to my wife doing everything and I just dont want to get in her way. She is always working the calendar 3-4 months out and I am lucky to be thinking a week or two ahead. It makes it really easy to check out. 

Add to that having kids, its hard to think past getting through a day. 

I am tying to set a reminder for myself every week or two "What have you done special for you wife lately?" to make myself stop and think.

Even if its just setting up a lunch date during a work day...

I convinced my wife that Valentines Day would be a great date to get married. 

Until you price out roses.......LOL

I'm going on 30 years of marriage. I'd say that the first 10 or so I wasn't the best husband that I could be. A big part was that my wife and I worked jobs with odd hours and random, usually different days off. Since she was working when I was off, most of my "life" didn't involve her. Sure I was nice and did thoughtful things when we were together, but it was rare. We were more like roommates with benefits than a husband and wife. Buying a house brought us closer. It needed both of us, and gave us something in common to work towards/ work on together. When we got serious about having children, we both changed careers to ones with regular daily M-F hours. This was a big change to our relationship. We actually saw each other regularly, had meals together. I love to cook, but rarely did in the first part of our marriage. I changed that, and made cooking one of the ways that I did nice things for her. Cooking for someone is personal. While I definitely try to show my love and appreciation on special occasions, it's way, way more impactful when it's random and out of the blue. "Just because" is way more powerful than "I had to because it's your Birthday." I also made an effort to make it more about her in the bedroom and get a bit more creative. There have been zero downsides to that strategy. 
 

As for the kids, just spend time with them. Play board games, Legos, go on bike rides. Family movie night. One thing I've done that my kids love and look forward to, I make their birthday cakes. I didn't know how. I just thought that I can build stuff, how hard can it be? I make creative cakes that they look forward to each Birthday. It's takes me hours, it's a labor of love, but they will remember them forever. It doesn't need to be cakes, but something personal and unique that you do for them that will make memories. 

Listen.

Be aware of your tone when you speak.

Two of the hardest things for me to do. But working with a therapist that understands Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been a godsend.

We do things because that's how we always have. A person needs to take small steps to notice the mechanisms by which they make decisions. Once you understand why you do things, changing behavior becomes easier.

*If you want to change the behavior.

Figure out how to find joy in her joy, so that way when you do something that brings her happiness you seeing and/or hearing her happy also rewards you. I loved seeing my wife give me a genuine, spontaneous smile, or call me to thank me for a little surprise. Edit: So this made me want to do more things to elicit that type of response from her.

It's little things like scraping the frost off her windshield before I left for work once in a while, washing her car for her while she slept in, or spending a Saturday morning making red sauce with all the extra tomatoes from the garden so we didn't have to use it from a jar for a few meals. Something that broke a routine, so she would recognize that I made an effort to do something nice for her, but it didn't need to be an expensive or glamorous gift. Another thing I did pretty routinely was to just stop and just look at her when we were together. She would look up and see me watching her and call me her personal stalker, but she would almost always give me a happy smile before going back to what she was doing.

Just remember that you're not the main character: Everyone around you has their own stories of which you are a part, and if you focus only on your own narrative you're making theirs more difficult. 

Communication is key. 
 

I honestly and genuinely believe I did an awful lot of things right. I'm just not a selfish person. I am very motivated by the happiness of the people around me. 
 

For whatever reason, it often wasn't seen. It just didn't come through as good as I thought it did. And eventually, we divorced.

I guess I wasn't as good at it as I thought I was. 
 

It's important to remember that what you do matters much less than how it is perceived.  If you can have an open line of communication, you should be able to learn how your actions are perceived. But it's not always clear or as open as it seems. 

Communication isn't what is said.  It's what is received.

And yes... counseling is really important. 
 

Maybe flip this now? Say, your wife realizes that she is completely checking out on the details and has spiraled into a self-centered hole. Do we celebrate her because she realizes that, or give her nothing, taking for granted that of course she is aware of it and expect immediate corrective action?

I'm not coming to bust your balls as the only female commenting thus far. Rather, I am trying to point out that we are all human and these are all natural reactions, but for your wife, there is not even a sliver of allowance for her to feel these things. She has to swallow down her own similar feelings, and take up the slack for yours as well. So whatever you do in the world of communication and amends, let it start with this: We are all humans, regardless of gender, and trying to avoid the same pitfalls. Don't assume a biological immunity that does not exist, because I bet she would welcome the conversation/opportunity to share a vent.

Margie

I think one of my biggest problems is, when I have had a long day at work or a stressful day I want to come home and just relax. My job does not require much manual labor these days, but I am on my feet all day solving issues in job sites. It is easy for me to forget that my wife has been home all day taking care of two toddlers. She needs a break just as bad as me. I will remember this and be more helpful/not "clock out" when I get home. Before I know it and back to my old ways of being selfish because I am tired

In reply to P3PPY :

Diligently taking notes as someone who hates receiving any expression of receiving gifts for recognition of birth, anniversary, Xmas, or otherwise. I find it tremendously difficult to shop for my wife and 3 kids under 3.

Lots of good "take notes and set calendar reminders" here, thanks, all.

Again, I think the root issue is a deep seated fear/early life wound that tells me no one cares about me so I need to take care of me -- DESPITE the fact that the Mrs is always caretaking me. And I'm slowly getting better there, but we just started non-emergency couples counseling and part of how this came to the surface was that the lady helped Mrs. P3PPY recognize her own hurts, of which my neglect of her is front and center. 
 

Margie, your advice for swapping perspective though... sheesh. I used that as motivation last night while she was decorating for a little one's birthday party- I stepped up my help way more than normal and was in her face, offering assistance. I think I'll hold onto your advice  for a long time and - whenever it occurs to me - use it as a mirror to see what I need to do differently in a situation. That's gold.
 

I am embarrassed to admit that I don't exactly know her love language, so I'll try to get that nailed down. Good tip!

I started the process last night by folding laundry and quickly picking up flowers to give to her today when the anniversary of the actual time of birth occurs, which is something I should have done ON the days of our children's births. SMH. I'll also find a min and write a note. 
 

One more thing is that she celebrates people REALLY well, like with decorations and stuff. So I made a CONSCIOUS DECISION to study how she did it. Like what things she used, how she did it. I think it's stuff like that that will be a tipping point, and I'd suggest that to others who are like me: IT'S APPARENTLY NOT COMING NATURALLY SO STUDY HOW PEOPLE DO IT WELL!

I'll keep this updated. Once again, this is a blind spot so until I do my own mental/emotional health work I don't expect I will always know when I'm messing up, but this should take the edge off until then. 
 

Thanks, everybody!

You are incredibly mindful if you were able to be this self-aware.  I think that's the basic foundation.

I also have to add that, in the past, I was a love-bomber.  I just did anything to make sure they felt loved in their language, and I spared no emotional expense.  Even when I was going overboard for all the wrong reasons, I still felt like I was not the best at showing love... as if I could do more.  I mention that to let you know that you're not alone.  It's not unique to just some people.  I think people like us with a strong sense of heart are always going to judge ourselves a little about our affections toward others.

I don't mean this in a condescending way, I mean it truly as it sounds:  I'm super proud of you for your self-awareness.

In reply to P3PPY :

Also keep in mind that she is not expecting you to be just like her. But she wants the recognition and appreciation for what she does. Offering to help out is huge. Look for ways to combine your talents. For example, my sister in law sounds like your wife. Very thoughtful and creative, goes all out on decorating for kids parties. My brother helps, but his strength is cooking, so he does most of that for the party. He can also build things for her theme that she may have the idea for but can't build, or he has his own ideas to collaborate. They have fun doing it together, but each using their own strengths. The kids see mommy and daddy working together to make a special day for them, so it's win/win/win.