Well- I've done it now.

I may have officially ended my life......

The wife announced that we were bringing another person into this world. I'd always sworn up and down that I did not want children, for a variety of reasons. This was in no way planned either. We were both under the assumption that due to extenuating health issues that she has- that having a child would be nearly impossible. Apparently not- because she called me last night from the ER, and told me that while she was being admitted for dehydration, she was pregnant. This is the one thing she wanted more than anything else in the world, and one thing I wanted the LEAST. But if she can get there, more power to her I suppose.

My biggest question is- How do I keep "me" in the equation? I'm already looking at all the changes that have to be made in order to accomodate a child, and I'll be honest, I'm selfish and kinda don't like it. Compound the fact that the wife DOES tend to get ill and be down a week or so at a time, and you have a recipe for me growing the gray hair in a hurry. Any prospective advice from the fathers on this bored, to an openly terrified father to be (myself) would be awesome.

I have one who is nearly 2 and one who is nearly born (Jan 26th).

The changes are tough in the beginning however, The reward is amazing. My kid is the best thing in the whole world. I love running around playing with her. I love taking her to see antique tractors or going to a park to swing.

Can't imagine life without her.. (well maybe I'd like more sleep).

Don't worry man.. It's really not that hard or bad.

First off, congrats!

You will become automatically selfless, and this is a good thing. Planned or not, it is a gift, treasure it.

Some people aren't meant to have kids, maybe you're one of them.

Hrm.

I can't say much that'll be helpful. I've got a 4 month old, and to be perfectly honest, it's a lot of scrambling and work, and I don't put near as much into his care as my wife does. It's getting better, but the first month or so REALLY sucked.

You've basically got a choice at this point. You either buck up and bring that little person into the world, or you cut ties, and give your wife a chance to find a father for her child.

I'm not gonna give you some "Oh, it's sooo worth it, it's the greatest thing ever!" because it's not. Don't get me wrong, for some people it is, but it wasn't for me.

Now the flipside of this is that it's not NEAR as bad as some people make it out to be. The hardest part will be the adjustment of your sleep schedule, and then the added time it will take you to go anywhere. Taking the kid will add 15-30 minutes to your leave time every trip.

Oh, and suck it up if you're a minivan hater. The minivan is bar-none, the best tool for the job. Helicopter doors are SO much better than traditional swinging doors. The Mazda5 is my recommendation, and I think it's the only minvan out there that you can get with a stickshift.

Ignorant wrote: I have one who is nearly 2 and one who is nearly born (Jan 26th). The changes are tough in the beginning however, The reward is amazing. My kid is the best thing in the whole world. I love running around playing with her. I love taking her to see antique tractors or going to a park to swing. Can't imagine life without her.. (well maybe I'd like more sleep). Don't worry man.. It's really not that hard or bad.

QFT. Best advice I can give is enjoy kids when they are small, they grow waaaayyyy too fast. My daughter turns 13 in a couple weeks and it feels like I just blinked from holding her in the hospital. Yes, you will likely have to put some of your own interests on the shelf for a while, but when you can get your kid(s) involved in those same interests later it makes them that much more enjoyable.

carguy123 wrote: Some people aren't meant to have kids, maybe you're one of them.

A bit too late for that sentiment.

Far from life being over, you'll find that it gives you something to live for. I certainly feel that way about my two cuties:

I have a dog. Having a dog is very rewarding, but a ton of work. I imagine kids to be much the same only multiplied by about 100 on both the effort and the reward.

I didn't think I was a "father", either. Both my children were surprises (to me, at least ), but your choices make it what it becomes. I wouldn't change a thing, although every parent makes sacrifices.

Decide what is important to you -- then figure out how to keep that and include the family. Both my children attend autoxs, both my children attend lapping events. Some of my son's greatest role models are my fellow competitors -- they watch out for him, and include him whenever possible. The same thing is happening with my daughter -- and I am sure she'll be the fastest of all of us.

No time spent with your children is ever wasted, regardless of the activitiy. Enjoy it.

I got no problems with Minivans. I dig the Chrysler turbo ones, I REALLY dig the Mazda 5, and I've been on a hunt for a while for an AWD S/C Previa that isn't completely eaten by tinworms.

As far as whether or not I'm meant to have kids, yeah, I guess I don't get that choice. I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens.

You need to learn that "you" don't exist anymore. It sounds harsh, but it's the truth. Having kids is hard, and being selfish will ruin your kids life, and probably yours too.

Read this:

http://www.corner-carvers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15363

I have two planned and a third coming in June. It is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will also say in the same breath that I haven't touched my project in seven months and struggle to keep my daily drivers functioning properly.

Kids are also mind-bogglingly expensive. Don't spend any money on anything else until you find out just how expensive they are. I wouldn't even attempt to budget this for you. Patience is your best friend, your wife is too. There is a reason it takes two people to make a baby - it's friggin hard.

I know you're looking for advice from dads, but maybe a little "mom" input would help you: Put away the idea RIGHT NOW that you have to stop being who you are, that you will need to put away the things that truly interest you, in order to squeeze into some ill-fitting "dad" role that's just you impersonating someone else. For a lifetime. Because that does not work. You'll just end up being the boring, bitter, and resentful shiny happy person who ruined all of you all's lives.

Keep being you, because kids fit into all kinds of lives, all kinds of interests. Imagine a person who's predisposed to like the same things you like, who likes nothing better than being along for the ride as you do them, and who only wants to hear what you have to say (for a number of years, at least), and as long as you're not a titty-bar-cruising porn star or similar really out-there lifestyle, you'll find that if you give yourself a chance to get to know this person, and they to know you, they will add enormously to your enjoyment of life. And your enjoyment of yourself as well as your spouse.

Not saying you don't have a whole lot of work and heartache in front of you. Again, that's life. Get in it, roll around some, get messy, get it all over you, because you only get to do it once.

Margie

My first child was a surprise. We were not planning on having kids for a while. At first I was like, "This is going to ruin all my plans." But it has been the best thing that has ever happened to us. We finally decided we should grow up and get our finances straight. We paid off 20K in debt AFTER getting pregnant and having a kid! Then we liked having kids so much we decided to have another.

Marjorie Suddard wrote: I know you're looking for advice from dads, but maybe a little "mom" input would help you: Put away the idea RIGHT NOW that you have to stop being who you are, that you will need to put away the things that truly interest you, in order to squeeze into some ill-fitting "dad" role that's just you impersonating someone else. For a lifetime. Because that does not work. You'll just end up being the boring, bitter, and resentful shiny happy person who ruined all of you all's lives. Keep being you, because kids fit into all kinds of lives, all kinds of interests. Imagine a person who's predisposed to like the same things you like, who likes nothing better than being along for the ride as you do them, and who only wants to hear what you have to say (for a number of years, at least), and as long as you're not a titty-bar-cruising porn star or similar really out-there lifestyle, you'll find that if you give yourself a chance to get to know this person, and they to know you, they will add enormously to your enjoyment of life. And your enjoyment of yourself as well as your spouse. Not saying you don't have a whole lot of work and heartache in front of you. Again, that's life. Get in it, roll around some, get messy, get it all over you, because you only get to do it once. Margie

I really appreciate this. Makes a lot of sense that a mini version of me would be predisposed to like the things I like, if by nothing else than it's what they're exposed to.

You can be yourself and be a dad. It helps to incorporate some of what you like into the things they need.

Example: Reading to kids. Yes, you need to read "The Foot Book" and the like to them. Even when they aren't even housebroken, reading helps them. But there's no reason you can't read GRM, CM, or (insert your favorite magazine/newspaper/blogs aloud to them). You might want to edit some of the more colorful language from your "alternative" reading material.

You're now a crew chief and logistician. Enjoy the promotion.

17, 12 and 5.

Priorities change, but it is not a burden, you make the decisions to help your family and that is what we all do. You will find that you can adapt and change and enjoy.

Relax Accept Enjoy

I think the Mom above hit it on the head. We have two planned and one not, they are 7, 3 and 10 months and yes it is a lot of work, but not as much as I thought it was going to be.

By all means keep doing the things that you enjoy doing, they are what make you whho you are, just try to include your kid/s. My wife works from home and during the racing season I would take my two boys up to Mid Ohio one day on the weekends when there was something going on, club stuff or whatever, to give mom a break and the kids loved it. In fact my 3 year old asked me at least once a month when we can go see the race cars again. It is one of the great joys in my life to spend the day at the track with my kids and seeing the joy on thier faces. I know it sounds corny but it is the truth.

Spend as much time with your kid as possible, talk to them and you will have some of the best experiences in your life. As a side bonus just think of all the cool toys you will get to buy because they are for the "kids", good stuff.

Include your kid in the things you like to do, be a good person and you should do fine, it is a great ride.

Another note, my two year old LOVED watching the last CMP Lemons race at the track. I couldn't race because he was there, of course, but it was still fun.

A little more stressful, though. Has anyone realized how dangerous those cars are in the pits? Geez - never realized it while I was driving it, but they're damn scary from a pedestrian with a two year old perspective.

ReverendDexter wrote: Hrm. I've got a 4 month oldI'm not gonna give you some "Oh, it's sooo worth it, it's the greatest thing ever!" because it's not. Don't get me wrong, for some people it is, but it wasn't for me.

Rev, is the 4-month-old your only child? if so, perhaps the best is yet to come. even Al Bundy didn't peak until he was 17.

I'm a new-ish dad (to a preschooler) and so are many of my friends and coworkers. I've experienced the full range of feelings about fatherhood myself, and I've seen the examples--good and bad--of the people who are around me. From this I have two things to say:

1) Get over it. We're all selfish. None of us like giving up the freedoms we have to take on the huge obligation of raising a kid. But being resentful, negative and unhelpful during your wife's pregnancy just makes everyone around you think that you're a tool. Being these things after your kid is born is even worse. The sooner you make peace with the fact that the rest of your life is going to in some way involve your kid, the happier you will be, and the easier you'll be to be around.

2) Be a Dad. Your time now belongs equally between yourself, your wife and your kid, so be happy about spending time with your family, not resentful. Love to play video games? Watch football? Go out drinking with your buds? Spend the weekends in the garage wrenching? Everyone likes to relax and unwind, including your wife, so don't dump all the household/child care responsibilities on her so that you can blow off steam. Never forget that your kid matters a lot more than a game on TV or a weekend at the track.

Keep in mind that your kids will watch everything you do and learn how to behave based on that. They will mimic your speech, your actions and your behaviors. You are their role model.

I have pictures of my son at age three working on his Lil'Tyke car. A month later, when he popped out "Who designed this piece of sh-t?"* I knew he was paying a lot more attention to me than I thought he was.

Be the person you want them to be. Like Marjorie said, keep being you, but act the way you want them to act. If you're like me, you might find you become a more patient and understanding person yourself along the way.

*his diction wasn't quite that good, but he got the idea across.

Let me start by saying I have always hated children. I still do for the most part, that is most other peoples children. My life plans never included a wife much less children. I have now been married 25 years and have 4 children and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Having kids isn't as hard as you think and some people make it out to be. When they are younger it can be a little hard to get fun stuff done and leaving the house is a major undertaking. As they get older it gets easier and even more fun. Mine are now 23, 19, 12, and 8. I have been dragging them to just about every event I have ever been to since they were born. They've been camping, mudding, boat racing, R/C car racing, autocrossing, tractor shows and even to Lemons races. They love it and I love having them around to share the experience with. There isn't anything the youngest would rather do than be the tool boy. The two oldest burn the tires off the car at autocrosses every chance they get. They can get expensive though. My spring plans include a gokart for the younger boys. (Oh Darn ) Don't assume that just because there is a child around that all your fun has to stop. You just need to include them in whatever your doing. They will enjoy it as much as you do.

That seems to be the general sentiment.... I'm hoping it works. Problem is- the wife and I have VERY diverse interests, so the kid could become some sort of holistic gearhead. We shall see.

AngryCorvair wrote: Rev, is the 4-month-old your only child? if so, perhaps the best is yet to come. even Al Bundy didn't peak until he was 17.

Yeah, I didn't mean to come off super negative, but I was certainly biasing my comment that way because when my wife got pregnant, everyone acts like it's all puppies and rainbows, and it's just not.

Every day it gets a little better. The joke around the house is that he's doing more and more "human things", and those are awesome. He's also sleeping all the way through the night. That's HUGE. You don't realize how badly sleep deprivation affects your overall mood and tolerance until you're 2 weeks in to never getting more than 6 hours of sleep per night, and usually not all in one go.

From the Dad perspective, having a dog is definitely good training (assuming that you treat your dog like a pack member and not a tool). I feel like I was much better prepared for having the kid already being used to having to pay attention to their needs (pack of 3).

For the expense... honestly, it wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be. Diapers are about on par with dog food, the wife is breastfeeding, so food's not an additional cost yet, relatives provide so many clothes that you'll never have to buy your own. All you really need for furniture is a car seat and a crib, though I HIGHLY recommend a Baby Bjorn (and splurge for the model with the added back support). A changing table is nice, but there's nothing stopping you from doing it on the floor. I could see it getting REALLY expensive if you don't have medical insurance though... kids have a LOT of checkups they go through.

If there's one peice of advice I could give your wife (and I apolgize, as I'm sure people are coming out of the woodwork to tell her stuff), it's to know that she needs to be in control of the delivery room. She needs to feel comfortable telling people to GTFO and to tell the doctors what she wants from her delivery. Don't let the doctors dictate it to her. If you can get a doula, I highly recommend it.

mndsm wrote: That seems to be the general sentiment.... I'm hoping it works. Problem is- the wife and I have VERY diverse interests, so the kid could become some sort of holistic gearhead. We shall see.

Hahaha, that describes ME. My father is a total junkyard/DIY hound, my mother is a alternative health care specialist. So I drive loud V8s out to buy my organic produce, hahaha.