What to do for someone that you literally owe your life to whom is going through unimaginable pain.

My surgeon, for whom I am here today in part due to their efforts, whipple, modified whipple, liver biception and she scrubbed in to assist with bone tumor removal in the left hip, femur, pelvis, right scapula, calvical, and humorous. Working with ortho's in the reconstruction of the effected joints as well.

Last week she was driving with her 4 year old son in the back of the car and was involved in a multicar accident where nobody was at fault (deer entered road, one car reacted to avoid the deer, the other didn't causing it to rearend the vehicle that did, which had entetes the car who didn't lane under braking). Her son was pronounced DOA.

I'm at a complete loss regarding anything that I can do for her and her family. I get to hug and kiss my wife every night and morning due to this amazing person and now I can't even imagine her guilt.

Car or Son? If son .

Im guessing son... this is so sad.

There is no good answer. Best you can do is reach out, and let her know you're there, and what she means to you. Leave it at that. Pushing people only makes things worse.

In reply to NordicSaab:

Son, sorry I corrected the original post, having a rough evening.

she will never get over that. My sister had her son commit suicide two years ago.. she is still a wreck. She looks like she has her act together, but beneath the façade, she is still deeply hurting and grieving

I think maybe your first post says everything you have to say, if you get the chance. (A short letter, perhaps?) This is a huge, life-derailing, horrible event, but as a surgeon she probably knows better than 95% of the population that sometimes Stuff just happens and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. You are one of the many people she helped cheat death. Some other people weren't that lucky, so she's seen this before. Obviously not involving her own child, and I'm not trying to trivialize the tragedy in any way, but I expect the hospital has supports in place that can be adjusted as required to cope with this trauma. I hope she gets through it.

There really is not anything that you can do to make this a better situation. Been there and this takes time to scar over.

Help her remember her son by starting a charity or an event to raise money for a charity in his honor. Make some good come from this pain.

In reply to Fueled by Caffeine:

I'm hoping to do something along these lines. I'm up to swimming 6000m again (once a week, 2000 one day, 4000 2 days later, and 6000 on fridays) and am hoping to do the Chesapeake Bay bridge swim next summer. Originally the plan was to collect donations from pancreatic cancer research, now there will be an additional cause.

There is nothing you can DO.

But, you CAN give her some of yourself. Time. Spend some time with her. Don't be afraid of the awkwardness or the tears. Just be there.

If you are not close enough to spend real time with her without being creepy, make an effort to put it into words. A REAL letter. Tell her what she means to you, how appreciative you are, and simply that you have no way to understand the pain she is going through. Basically, an expanded version of your first post.

Events like this can put someone into a world that is very alien to what they knew just before the event.

They will go through their process. They will seek out what they need when they want it.

• Don't try to help her rationalize.
• Don't try to tell her she is doing well coping or not doing well coping with the loss.
• Don't start a charity but do collect funds if you think she needs them to pay for the funeral.
• Don't try to get into her inner sphere unless she asks.
• Do make it clear to her via a phone call or stop by (if you guys are that tight) that you are available to help with anything she may need, managing landscaping, managing house cleaning crew, escorting her extended family from airport to wherever.
• Do help her family help her. You don't have to go direct.

Do remember to send her a sympathy card NEXT YEAR, HIS BIRTHDAY, CHRISTMAS or other relevant holiday.

Nothing you do can fix this. No one can fix this. Don't put any negativity into her circle. No venting about bad driving or "if only.." stories that could have changed the outcome. Listen only. Adding your thought, unsolicited, cut deep into the already deep second guessing and self doubt.

Honestly... Just be there, present, available 24/7 and keep checking in periodically.

Everyone grieves differently, but telling her exactly what you said in the post above and showing your gratitude as well as your complete and unconditional support in any way, shape, form, or fashion will be of good comfort and solace to her...

As a father to a 7 year old boy that I worship... I cannot even imagine. Nothing would be sufficient to bring me comfort, except my son back... My heart physically aches for her.

I can't imagine how she feels. I hope she can find peace. I hope she seeks the right people for help.

My sister lost her 15 month old son due to an enlarged heart - totally unexpected. She and her husband struggled and self medicated with illegal drugs and alcohol for ten years - they would never seek professional help. Then my sister died of cancer in her mid-40's and her husband committed suicide 1 year later on the anniversary of her death.

So we have two other sons that are struggling with this today - we all try to encourage them - life can be tough.

Unless you hang out with this doctor, getting access to do anything is going to be tough. What we usually do is send a monetary gift in the person's memory to whomever they designate in lieu of flowers.

In reply to spitfirebill:

I wouldn't say hang out, but I've seen her on average 1-2 times a week over the past 15 months. Have direct cell and email access and in that time communication naturally goes beyond how one is doing in the basic physical and medical sense and into how I've been doing in mind and spirit.

My mother hand paints cards via watercolor, she's making one for me and I'll be hand writing a letter to enclose in the card. The fact that it's handwritten when my arm was nearly lost multiple times won't be lost on her.

It sucks as its something that noone can persevere, only endure.

In reply to captdownshift:

That sounds like a great idea.

One of my favorite people to work with here just lost his wife of 24 years to cancer. She was a well respected physician in Charleston and apparently fought it for years. We are all just numb here and don't know what to do or say. So I feel your pain as well (well not you medical pain).