What to do with shiny happy co-worker

My department is 4 guys. One of these individuals is, by my estimation (and I am by no means an expert), 20% pure douche. One day he will be nice, happy and a good guy to talk to, and the next he will be a complete asshat. And the asshat-ness is directed solely at me. To the point where other people here comment to me about it. "What did you do to piss him off so bad?"

Over the last two years I have learned that he was the same way with my predecessor and that it has nothing to do with anything I have done or not done. 

The other thing is I recently discovered what is happening in his life periodically to make him want to take it out on someone else (someone else being the "new guy" and the person he sees as under him). I understand why he is upset, but I don't think I want to deal with this nonsense anymore, especially since it has nothing to do with me.

I've talked to management and it doesn't really seem to help, but I haven't been very pushy about it really. And my approach has always been to just kill him with kindness and be very polite. Honestly the problem doesn't even make me mad. But it is tiring. 

Suggestions?

Next time he starts being an asshat, drag management down there to see it? File a grievance? Hidden cam for proof? 

Buy him a beer after work. Explain the situation. 

If it persists after, kick his ass, buy him another beer, and explain the situation again. 

Repeat as necessary. 

Mndsm said:

Next time he starts being an asshat, drag management down there to see it? File a grievance? Hidden cam for proof? 

This.  Boot it upstairs.  Document everything, including the days he is normal and nice to you, even if it is just an email to whoever saying "No issues today."  That helps support your case that it is HIM and not you.  And it may establish an identifiable cyclic pattern that also supports your case... without you having to draw undue attention to his outside issue.

It is known and has been witnessed. It is also not overt. He isn't openly rude, at least very rarely. Just extremely dismissive and short, but only to me. He is talkative with everyone else just like normal, but three days this week he hasn't said a single word to me.  Honestly he is a pretty good guy and I hold no grudges. Like I said, the asshat behavior doesn't even make me mad.

I know this might come off as me complaining that I don't get included. But it is a big enough change that the other two guys in my department comment on it to me. Manager just kind of blows it off "Oh he's just upset about X or Y right now. That's just how he gets. If he starts being verbally abusive maybe we can do something."

Tell him about himself. 

Duke said:

Mndsm said:

Next time he starts being an asshat, drag management down there to see it? File a grievance? Hidden cam for proof? 

This.  Boot it upstairs.  Document everything, including the days he is normal and nice to you, even if it is just an email to whoever saying "No issues today."  That helps support your case that it is HIM and not you.  And it may establish an identifiable cyclic pattern that also supports your case... without you having to draw undue attention to his outside issue.

In my experience HR won't give a damn who is being mean to who. What they will see is an employee who is rocking the boat by reporting the issue in the first place. If the jackass is doing his job well and without complaints from anyone else, the solution will be to get rid of the complainer. No complaints = no problems.

What does your direct boss say about it? If he won't go to bat for you to get this crap cut out, it may be time to start looking elsewhere for someplace that gives a partial crap about you.

 

If it isn't overt, ignore him.

There are only about 20 people in this world I care about. The rest of them I could not care less about. If I don't care enough to to worry about them, I don't care what they act like. 

barefootskater said:

 He is talkative with everyone else just like normal, but three days this week he hasn't said a single word to me.

Sounds like the perfect coworker to me.

I'd say either confront him or distance yourself from him as much as professionally possible...Or a combination of both. 

In reply to stuart in mn :

I shouldn't mind. But I am usually a rather talkative guy and like to be friendly with everyone I work with. About 80% of the time everything is great.

I'll probably just keep being polite and ignore him. 

We need to be clear here. If he is what we call a "Dr House" around here. Basically he does what no one else can  do and he does it well then your screwed they are not going to do anything to make him change his ways. 

If he is just a normal ass hat then ignore him. HR is not there to help you, HR is there to not let the company get sued. It does well to remember that. 

wearymicrobe said:

We need to be clear here. If he is what we call a "Dr House" around here. Basically he does what no one else can  do and he does it well then your screwed they are not going to do anything to make him change his ways. 

If he is just a normal ass hat then ignore him. HR is not there to help you, HR is there to not let the company get sued. It does well to remember that. 

Sometimes HR can even bring enormous damage to the company while trying to keep the company from being sued over the actions of a Dr. House. See: How Uber became a sexual harassment factory.

Can you record on your phone?  Next time he lights off, tape it.

There's a student pilot that doesn't like me.  25 or so of us went to Lake Placid flying & camping, Mrs. 914 came up for the weekend.  When this nitwit was introduced to her, he starts with "I hate you husband and here's why.....".

Like ToyMan said, he ain't worth your time.  Don't kill him with kindness, don't patronize, just don't.  When he rants, walk away.

Good luck, Dan

barefootskater said:

In reply to stuart in mn :

I shouldn't mind. But I am usually a rather talkative guy and like to be friendly with everyone I work with. About 80% of the time everything is great.

Have you ever thought he might be complaining to HR about the guy that won't ever shut up? 

spitfirebill said:

barefootskater said:

In reply to stuart in mn :

I shouldn't mind. But I am usually a rather talkative guy and like to be friendly with everyone I work with. About 80% of the time everything is great.

Have you ever thought he might be complaining to HR about the guy that won't ever shut up? 

I never thought of that....

Duke said:

Mndsm said:

Next time he starts being an asshat, drag management down there to see it? File a grievance? Hidden cam for proof? 

This.  Boot it upstairs.  Document everything, including the days he is normal and nice to you, even if it is just an email to whoever saying "No issues today."  That helps support your case that it is HIM and not you.  And it may establish an identifiable cyclic pattern that also supports your case... without you having to draw undue attention to his outside issue.

Experience from family members who are extremely smart about HR situations of this manner, and have been in more volatile people: Document every day that an incident occurs, whatever it is. Send it in an email to yourself, or save the files in a safe location. Print copies as backup if you want your own hard copy (and it's not against company policy?).  Your boss and HR both don't want/need to see an email everyday. You don't need to send them one every day. But you do need to have it documented, even with your co-workers knowing about whatever it is that's going on. If you have issues or are worried about this being a thing, document every date and action when something seems unusual or off.  

If it comes to your word against his, your word will be much more convincing if you have a stack of documents from every time that something has happened, and he says: "That's not true"

Ignore and find a new role in the company.  

Are you currently engaging with him as if he has done nothing wrong during the 80% of the time he's treating you well, or are you mostly still  (as politely and professionally as possible) ignoring him then as well?

Ignore and find a new company. 

And that's not bipolar, BTW.

In reply to Driven5 :

I used to not. Before I figured out what the problem was/is I'd be short and dismissive right back for a week or so afterwards. That didn't seem to help at all. Now I'm just my usual self all the time and if he wants to be an shiny happy person sometimes I just do my best to ignore it. Yesterday was particularly bad though and I felt my cool slipping a bit. 

I kinda sound like the a-hole coworker at times.  I try to give my coworkers ample warning, but there are days when I haven't slept and am under stress and I don't really feel like participating in the office conversation or listening to them drone on and on about their politics.  I'd rather just be quiet for the most part, but work around needy people who are afraid of silence and always trying to chit-chat.

It does suck that this behavior sounds like it's only targeted at you, though.

In reply to Dr. Hess :

I know it. Probably the wrong thing to have said. I'll amend my original post.

In reply to 914Driver :

Do tell. Doesn't like your pattern work? Unprofessional making calls on Unicom? I can't fathom disliking a fellow pilot, especially in a G.A. setting.

He's just Bi-Shiny. I think you have the right attitude in simply ignoring it though, but document the occurrences to CYA (cover your ass).