when did you know that it was time to file?

HiTempguy wrote: If you care to share, what has changed? If you say she loves you, then she must presumably be nice towards you at least? I'm coming from the angle that it's a special "thing" for two people to meet who treat each other with respect and care for years on end. I personally don't ask for much more from a relationship except for those two things (and sex, seriously, sex is important). It might help to step back and write down what is good and bad about the relationship. If you are truly just bored, that sounds like a counselling thing more than a "f*&k this I give up thing".

A few things have changed. First is that we got a puppy in 11/13, she started allowing the puppy o sleep outside of the crate and in bed as it didn't have an accidents. The puppy also likes to be an alpha as far as receiving attention from either of us. and having a dog on the bed (or even really in the room), isn't a turn on for me. That being said in the first week of December 2013, I took a fall down the stairs early one morning (4am ish) when the puppy cried to go out. This resulted in a serious right shoulder injury (rotator cuff, labrum tear and multiple ligament tears followed by an infection that nearly cost me my arm, and life. 3 surgeries later and my right shoulder is still recovering, range of motion is 95% back, but strength is still quite low (I've had the lug nuts off a front wheel on the project car for nearly 2 weeks and can't get the wheel off the hub even with multiple PB blaster soaking and striking it with a dead blow) and pain is still prevalent. I'm not able to hold my torso up for an extended period, so it has affected our sex life. To the point that it's become so distance that I'm not sure how we'd even approach getting involved in that way again, emotionally or physically. That's what prompted the change in the dynamic, and we dealt with it as it was a physical issue causing lack of intimacy.

But it's been so long since the injury that now we've become accustom to that being the way things are. And if we get into a fight now, we both have the approach and thought process of Berkeley it. I'm capable of spitting venom when I'm mad, terrible things that can't be taken back, I haven't done so to her, but I make myself go to another room, not closing the door behind me though, or to go sit out front or out back, or even take a short walk, to avoid saying things. I know that words shouldn't be used as a weapon, but if asked for an opinion or about feelings when I'm livid, I'm either going to share in a manner more open, and damaging than one would ever want to hear, or I'm going to need 10-15 minutes undisturbed to gather my thoughts and not turn it into a toxic situation. I've avoided having any outburst, but she gets upset and closes off when I need to take a break to collect thoughts. This occurred Wednesday night, and we haven't spoken since. Last night I came in from work and she was asleep on the sofa, I was tired, so I went upstairs to take a short nap, that ended up with me sleeping until 12:30am, when the other dog woke me up because she was feeling sick, I got up, let the dog out (no falling down the stairs and no mess from the sick dog in the house) and stayed up a few minutes with the dog to see if she would need to go out again, she did. So after we came in a second time I got the dog some water and slept on the sofa, as it's close to the door and the likelihood of the dog needing to go out again was high.

mndsm wrote:

Rad_Capz wrote: When she bought a 16 room Victorian mansion with my credit after I told her NO.

Really?

Really, it was the last straw in a long history of financial differences of opinion. I would have had to devote the rest of my life to maintaining it.

drummerfromdefleopard wrote: This resulted in a serious right shoulder injury (rotator cuff, labrum tear and multiple ligament tears followed by an infection that nearly cost me my arm

Now I get your screen name.

In reply to z31maniac:

I was captdownshift, and will go back to that name once I've regained normal use of the arm

drummerfromdefleopard wrote: In reply to z31maniac: I was captdownshift, and will go back to that name once I've regained normal use of the arm

I remember, just razzing you a bit.

This whole process sucks and is a big drain emotionally.

In reply to z31maniac:

no offense taken by the razzing. Outside of home life and shoulder, which is like Mrs. Lincoln saying outside of our interruption the play was fantastic, my life is pretty fantastic. I love my job and work with and around people who are passionate about what I do and offer great support. I have great friends (though I rarely get to see them in part due to the home life situation and in part due to distance and their home lives. Things could be worse, there's no screaming or dish throwing and since I bite my tongue my profanity laden tirades are reserved for my commute (directed at other drivers) and for when I attempt to wrench on the Mazda, mainly due to my shoulder.

Flynlow wrote: In reply to ddavidv: Can we please not make this another "red pill" thread? There's already plenty of those on reddit and elsewhere. You've said your piece (multiple times), now let it lie. He'll either investigate more on his own, or go another way. A previous poster's "prison conversion" analogy was quite apt. It's great that you've found something that worked for you, but assuming it works for everyone is just as childish as any other one-size-fits-all solution.

Wow. I must have missed the memo where message boards were only allowed to express opinions you like.

HiTempguy wrote:

A lot of problems in a relationship come from people wanting their partners to guess their needs. And they feel frustrated when their partners keep not guessing the right thing. The language of love link that was posted before is an expression of this.

I disagree, in a sense. I think that two people who want to be together should work on knowing what the other person wants. For instance: My GFY moment in my relationship was after I had podium'd at a recent rally. Its been a hell of a 3 years to get to that point. After the champagne had been sprayed, everything packed up, it was late and I was heading home on a 4 hour drive. So what do I do? Naturally, text the girlfriend to see if she is awake so we can chat as it'll be too late to see her that night. The reply back I get is "can't chat, hanging out with friends". I don't want to be in a relationship that I have to sit down and explain to someone every minute of the day how to act like a proper partner. I don't need to babysit the relationship. So berkeley that. If a person can't be expected to extend the slightest amount of effort to taking into account things their partner has asked for before, then again, I have no interest. And that is why a lot of relationships fail: selfishness. Followed by ignorance. I am a pretty expressive person, I let people know how I feel and what I want/need. I get really sick and tired of everyone always blaming the person who has problems in a relationship to " look in the mirror". Its the exact opposite stance taken to 99% of other situations and it gets old.

You are sort of proving my point. From what I understand from your situation, it's not a lack of communication, but a lack of caring. It's the same thing that happened in my mariage.

Lack of communication is just more common. People are afraid to hurt their partners feelings. What most people don't realise is that by protecting the partner, what they really are doing is protecting themselves. They don't want the confrontation, so they keep their feelings to themselves hoping the situation will somehow resolve itself. But being in a relationship means you will get hurt once in a while. Life is messy.

Again this is what generally happens. Doesn't mean it's the same for everyone.

To the OP:
From the situation you are describing, you yelling might be a step up from where you are right now. Sometimes bad communication is better than no communication. Your situation seems to be in great need of a GOOD counselor to get the communication started. No communication = no resolution. If that's what you want. Because sometimes "berkeley it" is the right answer.

Rad_Capz wrote:

mndsm wrote:

Rad_Capz wrote: When she bought a 16 room Victorian mansion with my credit after I told her NO.

Really?

Really, it was the last straw in a long history of financial differences of opinion. I would have had to devote the rest of my life to maintaining it.

And here I thought I was mad when mine did that with a car.

For me it was when she stopped trying.

She told me things that she wanted me to do/be for her to be happy. I tried and did these things (although it was very uncomfortable trying to act like someone I wasn't), and never got any sort or response or reaction out of her. After about 6 months of this, she basically stopped even trying to work things out, and I got tired of not being myself. It was pretty clear, woke up one morning and knew that day was the day we made the call. Filed the next day.

I wish you the best. It's not a fun experience, but believe me life is still good on the other side. Just have to go through the valley to get there.