Who goes on holiday and leaves their kid to go off to University on their own?

Many years ago, when I was on active duty, we had a guy that was an odd duck and did not fit in well in the military environment.  He was the guy we all joked was most likely to suddenly snap and do something terrible. 

Once he completed all his training and had been assigned to a permanent duty station, his parents sold their house, moved away, and swore his siblings to secrecy.  So after 6 months or so at his first permanent duty station he took 2 weeks leave, drove 2 days to get home, and found strangers living in the house where he expected to find his parents.  He called both of his siblings and got told "we can't tell you where Mom & Dad moved or give you their phone number".  He then drove 2 days back to base and canceled the rest of his leave.  A couple of weeks after returning, he finally admitted what happened to his roommate.  I transferred away shortly after, so I have no idea what happened to him but I do occasionally wonder...

ProDarwin said:

I packed up all my E36 M3 in my car and drove myself to school/moved in.  I'm not seeing this as an issue.

I would expect the parents to help if she needs it though.

That was what I did as well, but I guess everyone's situation is different.

I moved out at 17 because if I stayed any longer, the old man and I would have ended up on the front page.

Sometimes it's the kid that wants to get the hell out.

And no, I didn't move back. Ever.

One thing that I think folks are missing here is that its not just telling her to pack up and figure out transportation and go there on her own, without any assistance from the parents. That is all fine, honestly. It is that they're not even there. For some kids, no matter how independent they are, that may feel like a gigantic betrayal and/or abandonment. There is a difference in tossing the kid out of the nest to force them to learn to fly, and just leaving the nest altogether. 

Again, we don't know enough of this situation. Maybe she was originally scheduled to head out 3 weeks ago and it was postponed due to Covid. Maybe Mom and Dad laid out exactly what steps she needed to take. Maybe they knew something like this would be necessary for whatever reason. But on the surface, from what we know... it really does seem like a dick move. 

Duke said:

bobzilla said:

And this is why we didn't have kids. I'm selfish and I know it. 

And that's cool; no problem.  Not having kids because you don't want to deal with them is perfectly valid.  But once you do have kids you have to treat them like human beings.

Same as people who get married knowing they're going to berk around.  You don't want to be monogamous?  Fine - but then don't get married and pretend you will be.

 

I know that had things happened and we had become parents, I know that my life would have revolved around them the way my parents devoted their time, effort and love to me. I just didn't want to do that. 

I went to college across the country from home, literally as far as you could get.  My parents came and helped me move.  After that my dad came once, then they came for graduation.  That was it.

I don't think it's right to let your kid pack up and move to college on their own and not even by in the house when they leave.  I don't care if the starting date got pushed back, you adjust your plans accordingly.

RevRico said:

Mndsm said:

RevRico said:

How else are they supposed to learn to adult?

When you find out, let me know. She's almost 21. 

That one is easy, but her mom might not like it

We had that discussion today

bobzilla said:

Duke said:

bobzilla said:

And this is why we didn't have kids. I'm selfish and I know it. 

And that's cool; no problem.  Not having kids because you don't want to deal with them is perfectly valid.  But once you do have kids you have to treat them like human beings.

Same as people who get married knowing they're going to berk around.  You don't want to be monogamous?  Fine - but then don't get married and pretend you will be.

I know that had things happened and we had become parents, I know that my life would have revolved around them the way my parents devoted their time, effort and love to me. I just didn't want to do that. 

Oh, yeah, I didn't mean to imply that was about you!  Sorry.  I'm 100% in agreement with your choice.  That was about people who want credit for being parents without actually parenting.

Duke said:

bobzilla said:

Duke said:

bobzilla said:

And this is why we didn't have kids. I'm selfish and I know it. 

And that's cool; no problem.  Not having kids because you don't want to deal with them is perfectly valid.  But once you do have kids you have to treat them like human beings.

Same as people who get married knowing they're going to berk around.  You don't want to be monogamous?  Fine - but then don't get married and pretend you will be.

I know that had things happened and we had become parents, I know that my life would have revolved around them the way my parents devoted their time, effort and love to me. I just didn't want to do that. 

Oh, yeah, I didn't mean to imply that was about you!  Sorry.  I'm 100% in agreement with your choice.  That was about people who want credit for being parents without actually parenting.

 

I personally think more parents should have the self-awareness and foresight to make the same decision Bob did.

Just to add to a few comments here, even I didn't go to graduation, and only one time did any parent ever come to visit. I'll never forget the departure after finals. I had the truck packed with everything I owned (in Flint Michigan) and left it in the driveway unlocked. I finished by final, went inside to pee and say bye to the roomies, and I was gone. I was going 75 mph by the time some people were finishing their last final. I haven't gone back to that town ever.

tuna55 said:

Just to add to a few comments here, even I didn't go to graduation, and only one time did any parent ever come to visit. I'll never forget the departure after finals. I had the truck packed with everything I owned (in Flint Michigan) and left it in the driveway unlocked. I finished by final, went inside to pee and say bye to the roomies, and I was gone. I was going 75 mph by the time some people were finishing their last final. I haven't gone back to that town ever.

Similar.  I did walk, but got in my car and left shortly after that.  I have been back once, but that was a case of morbid curiosity as I was in Detroit for business for a few days with some time to kill.

My wife didn't want kids - and was very clear about it from the time we started dating in high school.  I was ambivalent. Part of me would have enjoyed being a dad, but I don't regret the choices I made because of someone I still love. 

Everyone has to reach their own peace, but if you're gonna have kids - you should treat them like they matter. Other than that I try not to offer parenting advice because I have no ground to stand on.

I grew up independent. Was a latch key kid from around 11. I was living alone for a week or more at a time, caring for myself and getting to school before I had a license due to some economic circumstances. Mom checked in on the weekends and bought what food we could. I made it through. My trip to college in the big city freshmen year was both parents, though divorced, dropping me off at the dorm and helping me lug my stuff in. Once the room was set up, they left. I think this happened mostly because I wasn't allowed to have a car on campus as a freshman. Once they left, I was on my own for at least six weeks until I figured out how to bum a ride home from someone headed to my town to get my car, and a way to keep it nearby at school. But through all of that, they still made it clear that they cared, and if I had (in an emergency sense) needed them there, they would be there. The OP's story seems like the exact opposite message to me.

So some perspective from an experience we had somewhat related to this:   My daughter's freshman roommate flew across country by herself and arrived at school in a taxi.   We couldn't believe someone would do that to an 18 year old at the time.   There were some reasons, not all of which made sense to us but in the long run it was a great opportunity for us.  My daughter has a lifelong friend and my wife and I have another "daughter".    She was so amazed that we'd include her in our family but it was a great thing for all of us, lots of fun weekends and the shorter breaks where it didn't make sense to fly home she'd stay with us.   She's an awesome person and is frequently in touch with us close to 6 years after they graduated.

Maybe all this won't be the case with the neighbor but I'm sure she appreciates the help regardless.

My parents, both of whom lost their moms young (my dad's died due to complications at his birth) and grew up without a strong maternal model, were "those" parents. Although they were clearly driven to create their own family by having a bunch of kids, and always let us know they loved us, they had some weird lapses that I think we all understood stemmed from growing up without moms.

So I was that kid who sometimes found myself as a special guest child in other people's families, whether it was because my folks didn't understand that you don't just go to bed and ask a 16-year-old girl to ride her bike home from a job in a rough downtown after eleven o'clock at night (thanks to my best friend's parents, who tried to always make sure I had a ride home), you don't skip their high school graduation because they're going to college anyway (thanks to the same friend's mom for making sure she snapped a picture for me), and you don't leave them at college when the dorms close because it would be better for you to make the 45-minute drive on the weekend (thanks to another friend's mom for taking me in for a few days). I usually took Greyhound back and forth from college, even though my brother, who had a car, attended the same college. Like I said, lapses.

I always appreciated the grown-ups who saw through my "everything's cool, I'm just waiting for my folks to be here" b.s. and stepped in, but one thing that still makes me cringe is remembering the ones who went on and on with "who does that?" type comments and overdid the sympathy. That just made me feel super awkward, defensive of my parents whom I loved, vaguely unwelcome, and chipped away at whatever independence I was trying to build through my experiences. So kudos to you guys for stepping in, and it's good you came to the forum, not to this child, to wonder what's up with those parents. (The answer to that is probably "a lot, and they're doing the best they know how.")

Margie

Marjorie Suddard said:

(The answer to that is probably "a lot, and they're doing the best they know how.")

Margie

Thumbs up for this alone, and it applies to everyone :)  It really should be one's default response.

I try not to judge... and sometimes fail, but you never know the whole story.

SWMBO has two kids; 23 and 20.  The daughter (23) just graduated from college and took a teaching position 3 states away.  When she started college, she needed that hand-holding.  Mom paid the tuition, handled the 529 account, called the landlord if something was wrong with the apartment.  SWMBO took the approach of systematically cutting the strings.  She started shifting those responsibilities to the daughter, and 5 years later, the daughter is a total, functioning, individual human.  Moved three states away with zero assistance from her mother, other than accepting her help with the labor of moving..

Her son (20) started college last year.  He wanted zero help.  He is more or less the equivalent of a 60 year old accountant.  He has his E36 M3 together, needs zero assistance.  He handles all of his own finances, pays his own tuition from a combination of his 529 account and a significant savings from a job as a line cook that he has had since he was 14.  His dad bought him a Civic, which he promptly traded in on an Accord and paid the difference with his own money.

He loves coming home, loves his mom, and they have an awesome relationship, he is just fiercely independent.

I wonder if those neighbors you speak of simply have an independent kid, or maybe it's their way of teaching the kid to be independent.  Maybe it's right, maybe it's wrong, but I have a feeling they're doing what they think is best.

Me... I never had kids.  If I suddenly found myself with a college-aged kid, I'd probably hand them a $20 bill and say "good luck, kiddo. Don't let the door hit your butt on the way out."  (not really, but I would be about that clueless)

bobzilla said:

And this is why we didn't have kids. I'm selfish and I know it. 

One of my best friends once said this about himself and his wife.  They later adopted a kid.  Might have been the lady couldn't conceive and this was their way of telling people to butt out.  

My experience is that guys move themselves in and parents bring the daughters.  My daughter wanted loft beds her freshman year.  I wanted to wait until I saw the room and could take measurements.  I got over-ruled by my wife (wives are the main problem with this anyway).   

In reply to bearmtnmartin :

I worked hard long hours all of my life providing a nice home etc for them. yes I took my oldest to college but it was more for me than her needing it . my Youngest went to a community college. 

My mother left when I was 5 moving on to her next husband. scattering her offspring with whoever as she went through. her  life. 

My Father died when I was still in the service ( just before my second tour in Vietnam) He was a good kind man Who loved me and provided for me. 
 

My point is  don't judge. Perhaps that was a blended family or there had been issues you aren't aware of. I can imagine a dozen versions where what the parents did was right and proper. Another dozen where they are wrong as possible 

Leave Judgement to God. You live as good, decent, and kind life as possible so when your time comes to be judged  you don't have to explain your judgement. 
 

 . 

bobzilla said:

And this is why we didn't have kids. I'm selfish and I know it. 

i haven't adopted a pet because I know I enjoy being free to move and make choices and prior to covid I wasn't at my apartment enough sometimes to be able to adopt an animal in good faith.

WonkoTheSane (Forum Supporter) said:

Marjorie Suddard said:

(The answer to that is probably "a lot, and they're doing the best they know how.")

Margie

Thumbs up for this alone, and it applies to everyone :)  It really should be one's default response.

If the parents were doing literally anything other than going on vacation, I would have a lot easier time offering that response. 
 

To be clear, the girl would have got to university just fine. Whether that was an issue was never a question. My unhappiness stemmed from the way a couple who had demonstrated for 17 years that their kid was a great inconvenience capped it with a final display of complete and utter dickishness to let her know in no uncertain terms how much (little) she mattered to them. As a proud parent I just don't understand it. 

I learned to fly as soon as I was legally allowed to and I’ve always appreciated the difference between flying and other mechanical sports (cars, motorcycles, boats, whatever). The difference is that with flying you can’t “pull over” for some think time…once you take off, you own it. I feel the exact same way about parenthood…once you bring someone into existence, you’re committed until they’re a competent adult.

I have two daughters (12 and 15), I fell 100% responsible for their development and protection (bonus points if they remember me fondly when I’m gone).

Case in point, I would have posted this a half hour earlier except I ran out to get my 12 y/o daughter her favorite yogurt treat (coconut yogurt with sour sprinkles).

Bottom line, I’m trying not to judge by I must ask “why would you bring someone into this world if you’re not fully committed to their development???” Honestly, I don’t get it…I’m 100% there for my kids.

gearheadmb said:

My prediction; 20 years from now these parents will be sitting at home whining about how the kids never come to visit and they hardly ever see their grandkids. Just wait. 

I'm all for teaching independence. At the end of the day that's really the whole job, isn't it? Turn the kids into functioning adults? But you can still teach that while letting the kids know you give a berkeley. This is the girls first time moving out of the house. Its exciting, it's scary, it's a big deal. They should have been there to see her off. 

This.

Like MTN said, depends on the kid. Some can handle more independence than others... but to leave on a frivolus trip. No way.