Widen my Circles

So....On Wednesday, my 13 year old niece took her own life. (Wifes-Brothers-Daughter).

Circle Theory: I have always thought of my life in circles. This is how I've grown to focus on, care for, protect, mentor, provide for, love and the such. Meaning: in the center circle are my wife and kids. In the next biggest circle I have parents, brother, sister. Next biggest circle I capture more extend family and friends etc. I respect Margie and she is in the Jupiter circle. You Goons are past Pluto in the asteroid belt, but hey; you are still in the Sorta Solar System.

My wife seems to create several independent frustration circles. Then I have to step in and I try to refocus her on her inner family circle and turn attention away from this “temporary thought circle” she really can’t help.

So I live myself in concentric circles.

Growing up I had a close friend put a shotgun in his mouth and pull the trigger. It has always haunted me and I have preached (and preached!) to my kids that the world is sadder without Alan; I will always! be there for them; face trials with courage, storms pass!, light/tunnel, all problems have an answer, and on and on. I feel confident that they will never feel that the world is completely without hope.

In reflection, I never considered stepping outside of my first circle to pass on my enlightenment of how precious life is and there is always hope. Maybe I felt that it was her Dads job?, Or I am overstepping my boundaries, Out of my comfort zone? Won’t be taken seriously?

.....I'm not sure?, but I should have. As dead serious! as I am about drilling this “personal experience and always answers to life campaign" into my boys skulls, there should have been plenty and some spilled over and made it from me, to my niece

In the end my niece, broke up with her boyfriend, and broke her cell phone, stole a classmate’s cell phone, and got caught. Went to the medicine cabinet and found a relatives old obsolete bottle of morphine.

Thirteen years old, and it just takes the problems of a boyfriend and a cell phone. How incredibly sad. Almost impossible to process?!

I'm ok, and dealing with it. Sad, but I’ll be fine. Its gonna take the wife and her loved ones some time.

What was the little satellite that went to Pluto and beyond "New Horizons"? Widen my Circle. I’m venturing into the asteroid belt!

Please don’t make this some great discussion or a sympathy thread. As I said, I am fine. Lock or delete this quickly if it turns away from my intent. It’s simple. Go home, hug your kids, and if you gleem any more from it…..pass it on. T

Your circle theory brought one to mind that was very timely for me recently. The Grief circle places the aggrieved at the center, and each person related to them further out relative to their relationship/closeness. I realize this isn't the same thing you were saying, but it certainly seems relevant.

Grief circle:

Explanation

My condolences on the loss you and your family are experiencing.

I am very sorry. Not sure what to say but what you wrote makes me rethink my attitude towards life and the people I know since I am somewhat like you (regarding the circles).

1. Keep your medications under tight control.
2. Hug your kids and talk to them every day.

Certainly puts the stuff I have been stressing over this week into staggering, face-slapping perspective. I know that's a pretty wide circle for her - but its not nothing.

communication is key. I went through a similar experience as you had with your friend growing up while I was in college. I'll be honest, there have been times in the past few weeks where i've been a in a dark dark place. I've felt, at times, that in all likelihood that i'd merely be speeding up the process of the inevitable, but it's inevitable for everyone on a long enough timeline. I know that others are holding onto hope for me and pulling for me and if I were to give up on myself and army of caregivers, I'd be disappointing them. Not to sound cheesy, as it's true, but there are threads on here that I can turn to when I head down that road to turn my outlook around. The pain that others feel for me now as a whole is greater than my individual pain and the pain that would occur to those people if i were to make that mistake would far exceed it.

I think of a net more than concentric circles. Sometimes the most beneficial support can drop in from a different galaxy - but you have to be open to it. Heartbreaking when someone resorts to a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

captdownshift wrote: communication is key. I went through a similar experience as you had with your friend growing up while I was in college. I'll be honest, there have been times in the past few weeks where i've been a in a dark dark place. I've felt, at times, that in all likelihood that i'd merely be speeding up the process of the inevitable, but it's inevitable for everyone on a long enough timeline. I know that others are holding onto hope for me and pulling for me and if I were to give up on myself and army of caregivers, I'd be disappointing them. Not to sound cheesy, as it's true, but there are threads on here that I can turn to when I head down that road to turn my outlook around. The pain that others feel for me now as a whole is greater than my individual pain and the pain that would occur to those people if i were to make that mistake would far exceed it.

These are seriously the most profound words I've ever read, and thank you for sharing them Cap't!

In response to the OP's question - I don't see that you're doing/did anything wrong, but there are certainly opposing perspectives on the subject. You seem to fall into the "have to draw a line somewhere" camp, while others are in the "help anyone/everyone". I don't personally feel one strategy is better/worse than the other, and you're certainly doing a good job at helping those who matter to you most.

so sorry to hear … I've been around a few suicides … none close, but still hard to move on from

I have two questions

1. Does your niece have sibling? If so, then having uncle downshift let them know that you have been where they are, and they are not alone might make a big difference.

2. What can we do for you?

You are having a tough year and the GRM tribe is for you in what ever way we can be.

what pinchvalve wrote:

1. Hug your kids and talk to them every day.

Not just your kids but your family and extended family and friends.

I can't imagine what her parents are going through. Prayers for all being lifted.

The circles have scientific merit Monkey spheres, aka Dunbar's number

Is it bad that I thought this was a goatse reference?

All in all, it's very depressing that a kid my little sister's age took her own life. I have no idea how the family is coping. My condolences. I guess the moral of the story is that poor decisions and overreacting are two things that never should go hand in hand.